You’ve deleted the apps. Blocked the numbers. You’ve told yourself you’re taking a break; it will be different this time.

Weeks, maybe even months, go by, and while you feel the pull, you’re resisting. You think, “I’ve got this. I can stop chemsex by myself. I don’t need any help.”

Then the inevitable happens. It’s a trigger you can’t ignore: you see one of your old party n’ play friends, someone sends you a message inviting you over, and before you know it, you find yourself back in exactly the same place you were trying to leave.

For gay, bisexual and other men who have sex with men (GBMSM) trying to change their relationship with chemsex, this cycle can be incredibly frustrating. You may really want to stop, understand the risks and recognise how it’s wreaking havoc on your life, and yet you still find yourself submissive to the pull of chemsex life.

Why?

Because when chemsex takes over, it’s not as simple as deciding not to take drugs, drink alcohol or have sex. Over time, sex, substances, connection, pleasure and emotional regulation can become deeply intertwined. You don’t know why you keep returning. You only know you can’t stop. Understanding what keeps the chemsex cycle going is an important part of breaking it.

Chemsex is more than just drugs

Chemsex typically refers to the use of specific drugs before or during sex, most commonly crystal methamphetamine, GHB/GBL and mephedrone. It is particularly associated with gay, bisexual and other men who have sex with men (GBMSM), although experiences vary considerably.

For some people, chemsex remains an occasional part of their sex life. A little party, a little weekend fun. For others, however, the frequency, intensity or consequences begin to change into something beyond their control.

Part of what makes chemsex so difficult to stop is that it goes beyond sexual pleasure.

It can reduce inhibitions and anxiety, increase confidence and sexual stamina and intensify pleasure, all while creating a powerful sense of connection. Someone who struggles with body image or sexual confidence may suddenly feel desirable and uninhibited. Someone who feels lonely or disconnected may now experience a strong sense of belonging they’ve never felt before.

Chemsex may also provide an escape from difficult thoughts or emotions, things to suppress, hide and run away from.

Chemsex encompasses so many different “needs” it’s beyond intoxicating. When one experience is meeting several physical, sexual and emotional needs at once, removing it can leave a significant gap.

When sex and substances become connected

Repeatedly combining sex and drugs quickly changes your expectations around sex.

If your most intense sexual experiences happen while using substances, sober sex may eventually feel completely foreign, uncomfortable or boring by comparison. Some gay, bisexual and other men who have sex with men (GBMSM) find it difficult to become aroused or feel sexually confident without drugs. Others begin to avoid sober sex altogether.

That can create another barrier to stopping chemsex.

It’s not that you’re simply giving up the drugs, but it feels like you’re giving up the kind of sex you desire along with your sexual confidence, your chemsex community or even an important part of what you now consider your identity.

Recovery from chemex needs to consider the person’s relationship with sex alongside their relationship with substances.

Chemsex and the elusive search for connection

An interesting contradiction with chemsex is that it can create an intense feeling of connection while simultaneously contributing to profound loneliness. Here’s what that looks like.

During chemsex, sexual barriers quickly disappear, and the drugs fuel a false sense of intimacy. Sex may continue for hours or days, creating experiences of closeness and vulnerability that might feel impossible to experience anywhere else.

But what happens when the party n’ play is over?

For some gay, bisexual and other men who have sex with men (GBMSM), the connection disappears as quickly as it arrived. It’s out the door as fast as they are. This crash after the high might be followed by extreme feelings of isolation, exhaustion, or anxiety.

Over time, chemsex might begin replacing other forms of connection. Friendships, relationships, work and everyday social situations can become disconnected and harder to maintain as these healthier connections compete with the pull of chemsex sessions.

Why can’t I stop Chemsex?

For some people, chemsex serves multiple purposes: managing anxiety, loneliness, rejection, low self-esteem or difficult emotions. For others, this may be combined with experiences of trauma, attachment difficulties or shame surrounding sex and sexuality. All of these things influence the pattern and make it extremely difficult to stop chemsex on your own.

Rather than asking, “Why can’t I stop chemsex?” the bigger question becomes, “What is chemsex doing for me that I don’t know how to do without it?”

The cycle of shame and Chemsex

The aftermath of a chemsex session can bring another powerful emotion into the cycle: shame.

It’s opening the door and reality hitting you that days have passed since you stepped outside.

It’s coming down off the high and realising you took massive risks that could have grave consequences for your health.

It’s looking at your phone with dread, knowing you’ve missed work, family obligations, appointments and have once again let people down.

It’s checking your bank balance and sitting with the number as you come to terms with the fact that you spent money you couldn’t afford.

Chemsex can leave you crossing your own sexual boundaries with wild abandon or behaving in ways you never would otherwise. What will you say to people? What excuse can you come up with that they haven’t already heard? What lies are you willing to say to yourself?

Here come the empty promises.

Never again.

I’m deleting everything.

This was the last time.

You’ve been through this cycle of shame. You really do want to change, to find a way to truly stop this time. But shame rarely creates lasting behavioural change. In fact, it often makes things worse as self-criticism and judgment set in and the behaviour cycles all over again.

Breaking the chemsex cycle requires something very different.

How do I stop Chemsex?

If chemsex has become your primary way of experiencing sexual confidence, regulating difficult emotions, escaping stress or finding intimacy and connection, taking it away without developing alternatives can leave you struggling with exactly the same unmet needs.

Our unique approach to chemsex recovery explores the patterns underlying problematic chemsex alongside the behaviour itself. Depending on the individual, this may include work around compulsive sexual behaviour, trauma, attachment, emotional regulation, shame, relationships and sexual wellbeing.

Recovery from chemsex and understanding why chemsex is so difficult to stop won’t happen overnight, but it is possible.

At Innisfree Therapy, our six-week online Chemsex Recovery Programme provides confidential, specialist support for gay, bisexual and other men who have sex with men (GBMSM) who want to regain control over chemsex.

The intensive programme combines our experience in compulsive sexual behaviour, trauma and addiction with LGBTQIA+-affirming, sex-positive, gay male therapeutic support.

Because stopping is one part of recovery.

Understanding what keeps bringing you back is how you begin creating lasting change.