Have you or your partner felt consistently “off”, depressed, or angry? Perhaps there’s a general sense of the blues that you just can’t shake off? Seeing a professional therapist could be very helpful.

If you’re thinking of seeking professional help for mental health or relationship issues, you’re not alone. In 2021, over 45 million people combined received treatment or counselling in the USA and the UK.

Contacting a therapist is a significant moment in any relationship. Most couples and individuals wait until they’re in deep distress before seeking help.

According to The Gottman Institute, most couples wait an average of six years before seeking help for interpersonal or relationship issues. For many couples, the realisation that their partner needs therapy brings up an uncomfortable challenge. Recognising that you need professional help and taking action is one thing. But how do you suggest this to your partner?

This is a common scenario that therapists see all the time.

Talking to your partner about therapy

Many think of therapy as a personal journey, but in reality, when you’re a couple, the issues and impact affect both of you. You care about your partner, and you want the best for them—and for your relationship. Once you notice that your partner is having difficulties that could benefit from therapy, what you say and how you say it make all the difference.

Discussing the need for therapy with your partner can be a very tricky conversation. No one wants to be told what to do or feel like there’s something “wrong” with them. While your partner needs to understand the importance of the matter, the message must be communicated in a loving and caring manner.

In this blog, we’ll discuss how to effectively express your feelings and gently encourage your partner to see a professional therapist, what to say and what not to say, and how you might see your relationship shift.

Can your partner benefit from therapy?

Life is full of ups and downs, especially in relationships. It’s important to understand the seasons of life and the differences between everyday life stressors and chronic emotional challenges. While most people experience periods of unpredictability or fluctuations, certain signs call for professional help.

For example, if you notice that your partner has suddenly altered their sleeping patterns, is emotionally unavailable to you, the children, or friends, and is no longer able to show up for the relationship in a reciprocal manner, it’s time to talk about getting professional help.

Here are some other signs your partner might benefit from therapy:

• Struggling with ongoing depression and expressing feelings of hopelessness
• Feeling increasingly overwhelmed with consistent anxiety
• Fantasising about suicide
• Frequent or intense mood swings
• Reliving past trauma
• Social isolation or avoidance of work responsibilities
• Experiencing financial difficulties
• Eating much more or less than usual
• Feeling numb and not caring about anything
• Increased use of substances as a way to cope, avoid, distract, or numb complicated feelings

A professional and neutral third party can be invaluable for addressing these issues, offering insight, tools, and feedback.

Tips to suggest therapy to your partner

You’ve gone through the list and you’ve lived the experience in daily life. You are concerned about your partner, and you know they need therapy.

But noticing the signs that they need help and having the delicate conversation about getting help is an entirely different story.

The discussion must be based on love, care, and understanding, not on shame or judgement. Timing and pace are everything because it’s not just about what to say, but where, when, and how to say it.

For the healthiest outcome, it’s crucial to approach your partner with an open heart of compassion and consider these factors:

• Timing is everything: Find a time to talk to your partner when you have an open window free of tasks or outside responsibilities. Bringing up “issues” during an argument or if one person is agitated won’t be beneficial and will put your partner on the defensive. If both partners aren’t in a calm space, it’s not the right time. 
• The right setting counts: Bringing up sensitive topics like the need for therapy is a private matter. Discussing these concerns in a public setting could embarrass or upset your partner. You want them open and trusting, not shutting down and defensive. Find a private place where you can clearly convey the situation, validate any feelings that may arise, and focus on the discussion at hand without interruption. Some couples find that going for a walk together helps difficult conversations flow more easily. 
• Choose your words carefully: These are difficult conversations that require delicate handling. Avoid “you” statements, which can feel like an attack, and instead focus on more empathetic “I” statements like “I’ve noticed”, “I’m concerned about”, or “I feel”. These openers show that you care and support your partner’s mental health and want the best for them. State your observations and clear reasons why you feel professional therapy would be beneficial for your partner.
• Don’t make ultimatums: Your suggestion for professional help should never come from a place of control, force, or threats, and it shouldn’t sound like an ultimatum. The goal is to speak openly with concern.
• Lead with loving and empathetic language: Starting the conversation with something like “I love you so much, and I’m concerned to see you struggling. Lately, I’ve noticed that life is complicated, and I really want our relationship to work. I think that professional therapy could really help. Have you ever thought about talking to a therapist? They have tools and techniques that could really help. What do you think about that?” sets the tone and shows that you’re coming from a place of love and support. 

By using statements that show you understand and are concerned, you can help your partner feel cared for rather than accused. The right language can also help eliminate any stigma around seeking therapy.

How to support your partner in therapy

There are plenty of ways a partner can show up as a supporter.

Being the partner of someone doing deep emotional work can feel like a relief that they are finally getting professional help, but it might also feel confusing. You might feel like you have to say exactly the right thing or help “fix” them. But the best thing you can offer is your unwavering support by modelling your own emotional regulation without putting pressure on your partner. 

Here are some key ways to support your partner during therapy—without losing yourself:

1.  Stay curious and kind

Therapy is private. While you might want to know the details of your partner’s sessions, they are under no obligation to share that information with you. You need to remember this and respect your partner’s privacy. Instead of pressing for information, try, “I love you and care about you. I know you’ve got a lot going on right now, but I want you to know I’m here for you if you feel like sharing. No pressure.” This creates safety, security and trust without crossing boundaries.

2. They are responsible for their own emotions

Therapy can often reveal anger, grief, shame, or unresolved trauma. Your partner will need to process their deepest emotions with their therapist. You’re there to let them know they are seen, heard and safe to express themselves. Listening without judgement is the greatest support you can give.

3. Boundaries may shift

When someone starts therapy, they naturally begin to learn more about themselves and create boundaries. This might look like your partner now saying, “I need some time to myself” or “I don’t have the emotional capacity for that right now”. It could be simply saying “No” for the first time. These are not personal rejections; they are acts of self-care and compassion.

4. Notice your own reactions with compassion

Your partner’s new boundaries might make you feel:

• defensive
• insecure
• abandoned
• guilty
• relieved
• hopeful

None of these feelings is right or wrong. They are all normal reactions to new situations and relational dynamics. Your emotional responses are yours, so be sure to give them the space and attention they deserve. You also matter.

5. Take care of yourself

Let’s be honest, supporting your partner in therapy can be exhausting, and you might benefit from some space to process your own feelings. If you’re having a difficult time, you might consider individual therapy as well as learning about attachment theory and trauma.

Taking some time for yourself to write in your journal, meditate, or confide in a trusted friend can be very beneficial as you learn to set your own boundaries and self-regulate. You’re not meant to handle all of the emotional labour.

6. See this as a shared process, not a solo journey

Healing never exists in isolation. When someone begins therapy, they start looking closely at their inner world: their attachment history, triggers, emotional responses, boundaries, and long-held beliefs. They may also begin unpacking trauma, addressing unhealthy coping strategies, or learning healthier ways to communicate and regulate.

Even if only one person is in therapy, the relationship can grow in meaningful ways when both people remain open to change.

Think of it as parallel growth, not parallel lives.

Why Partners May Feel Unsettled

It’s completely understandable and normal that you might experience a sudden mix of emotions and reactions when someone you love starts therapy.

There are a lot of changes happening, and while that’s necessary, it can also feel unsettling.

1. Fear of the unknown

“What if they change? What if they outgrow me? What if therapy reveals something that breaks us apart?”

These fears come from uncertainty, not from truth. Sit with them, feel them and remain in the present.

2. Feeling left out or “on the outside”

When your partner begins doing deep internal work, it can seem like their thoughts, emotions, and breakthroughs live in a separate world that you don’t have access to.

That’s ok. It’s their work. You’re not being left out of anything.

3. Worry about being blamed

If your partner is exploring childhood trauma, relational patterns, or attachment theory, it may feel like scrutiny is turning toward the relationship, too.

But this is all part of the normal healing process.

4. Pressure to “keep up” or change at the same pace

When you see your partner grow, it can unintentionally make you feel inadequate or left behind if you don’t have the same level of emotional insight or perfect communication.

You don’t need to keep up with anything. You only need to show willingness, presence, and openness to change.

5. Old patterns being disrupted

Even healthy change—one that you pushed for—can feel uncomfortable.

If you and your partner have settled into specific roles, you might find them shifting:

• The caretaker
• The avoidant
• The peacekeeper
• The emotional supporter
• The manager
• The assistant

Therapy has a way of challenging these roles, which can initially feel disorienting, but ultimately feels freeing. With time and consistent support, new patterns will begin to form and healing from both partners will be possible.

How Innisfree Therapy can help

At Innisfree Therapy, we understand that when one partner begins therapy, the relationship enters a new phase. At times, it may feel unsure or uncomfortable, especially as old patterns shift and new boundaries appear. But these changes are not signs of a disconnect; they are signs of growth as the relationship becomes more resilient, honest, and healthier than it was before.

Supporting a partner in therapy doesn’t mean absorbing their pain or mirroring their pace while you lose yourself. It means staying open, curious, grounded, and willing to grow together for deeper emotional intimacy.

Therapy is an invitation to move from unconscious patterns into conscious connection.

If you or your partner are navigating these transitions, Innisfree Therapy offers individual, couple, and psychodynamic support to help both partners understand the changes happening within the relationship.

If you’re ready to start understanding attachment trauma and how you can best support your partner in therapy, contact us today for a confidential, no-obligation conversation with one of our professionals.